Self

[Miguel Angel Carrasco]

I am not in any position to give advice, but Nagy^Òs two alternatives (1.
Ignore the world, forget responsibilities and GO, or 2. Stay and discharge
responsibilities) strikes a chord with me. That was also a dilemma I felt
for a long time. I remember two novels that made a great impression on me,
the two books which set me on the advaita orbit: Somerset Maugham^Òs The
Razor^Òs Edge and Herman Hesse^Òs Sidharta. Both depict Nagy^Òs dilemma, how
to transcend the ordinary-life level.

Sidharta is particularly enlightening, at least for me. In the novel, he
leads a kind of life similar to the one we^Òve heard of Gautama Budha. He is
always seeking self-liberation with his friend Govinda. One day, Govinda
hears about Budha, and they both go and listen to him. Govinda decides to
stay in the Enlightened,  while Sidharta, in a conversation with Budha,
observes: Were I to stay as a monk, I might be replacing my present ego
with a new one, subtler and harder to shake off. What I^Òm seeking is not to
follow your teachings, true though they are, in the same way as you didn^Òt
attain enlightenment just by following any rules. What I seek is to become
nothing, to shed my ego, and that will not happen here easier than anywhere
else.

My summary is very poor, but I think it might show the point. My ego is my
shadow. I can^Òt see myself. I can only see my shadow. So, lacking any other
reference, I identify myself with it. One day, I discover that if I see my
shadow, then I am not the shadow. I start trying to find myself, but I
can^Òt, as an eye can^Òt see itself. So I just try to run away from my
shadow. Useless flight: the shadow always follows. It^Òs not a question of
going here or there, of doing or not-doing this or that. It^Òs a question of
just seeing that it is all a shadow: how do you get rid of your shadow? In
the shade. How do you obliterate a part? Not by seeking another part, but
by nullifying the whole.

I don^Òt quite understand the talk about responsibilities. There are no
responsibilities. The ones that appear to be are just the mind^Òs. I can^Òt
be free from bonds by trying to be free to do this or that. I think that is
an illusion. One is not free to, or free for, but only free from. Free from
self-delusions, free from the idea that I must or can do this or that.
Nobody does anyhthing. Things appear to get done. I (not my mind, but I)
either just see the process or mistakenly imagine myself as an independent
agent in the illusory world. The problem is not what I should do, but how I
should watch it all. As an active part of the chain of seeming events, or
as the quiet, unaffected witness of the show.

That^Òs what something within tells me. I may be quite wrong.
And I wish I myself would follow my own advice, fool that I am!